Dear Believers in Conspiracy Theories about the Press

OK, I admit it! You guys are correct. Days after June 16, 2015, when Donald Trump descended his golden escalator and proclaimed his candidacy for President of the United States, virtually all the nation’s approximately 38,000 newspaper reporters and 49,700 radio, TV station, and broadcast network journalists met in the backroom of the centrally-located Lowe’s in Osage Beach, Missouri, and agreed to slant stories against him. The only holdouts were journalists from the newspapers (New York Post, The Wall Street Journal, The Times of London, etc.) and broadcast network (Fox News, Sky TV, etc.) owned by Rupert Murdoch, about whom the British Parliament’s Culture, Media, and Sport Committee in 2012 stated was “not a fit person to exercise the stewardship of a major international company” and whom was loosely portrayed as the villain in the 1997 James Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies), plus a handful of weblogs started by conservative activists (Brietbart, NewsMax, Daily Caller, etc.) and the radio & TV entertainers Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Michael Savage, and Alex Jones. Except for them, 99% of the journalists in the United States formed this nationwide conspiracy against to thwart Trump, even though they’ve traditionally been arch-competitors against each other. Each of the 88,000 journalists attending was given a Venezuelan Bolivar and a Lowe’s tool belt monographed by Hillary Clinton.

Five months before the presidential election, this national plot was enlarged to global scale when Canadian, Australian, British, Irish, New Zealand journalists, plus those from France, German, Scandinavia, Spain, Italy, Switzerland, Japan, and Israel joined the conspiracy. That is the reason why stories critical of Donald Trump have appeared not only in the news media of all 50 U.S. states and in the media of foreign countries. This secret international conspiracy meeting was held after midnight in the outdoor central atrium of Sea World in Orlando, Florida. The killer whale tank had to be drained to seat everyone.  We had originally planned to rent Disney World after midnight, but an international meeting of the world’s more than 10,000 climatologists had beaten us to it, where 98% of them agreed to falsify their data and lie that the Earth’s climate is changing due to human pollution, just to piss off Trump. They were nonetheless kind enough to give me one of their souvenir Earth-shaped balloons!

You don’t believe me about all this? Oh, gee, then I guess the real truth is that almost all journalists have college degrees. Yup, the nearly nearly 90,000 print and broadcast journalists in the U.S.—nonetheless the hundreds of thousands worldwide, were slavishly brainwashed by pipe-smoking, tweed-jacketed eggheads (and that’s just the women professors) and turned into anti-Trump robots remotely controlled from Hillary’s home in suburban Chappaqua, New York. You can thank God that a ‘Reality TV’ performer to whom no U.S. banks will any longer loan monies due to his financial failures has unveiled this international ‘Deep State’ conspiracy of journalists, scientist, academics, the FBI, CIA, State Department and so many educated other experts, to deceive the American people. It’s enough to make your tin foil helmets crinkle all by by themselves!

I know that it is difficult when whomever you voted for turns out to be a failure. (I wasn’t happy about Bill Clinton’s extramarital affairs, just as I’m not about Trump’s serial adulteries that led to his two divorces.) It is hard to hear about the foibles and failures of whomever you voted. Perhaps concocting conspiracy theories, no matter how fantastic and improbable, about the press, about climate scientists, about China, about Mexico, about the opposing political party, about whomever tells you something that you don’t want to hear, is a comforting psychological defense. Never admit that 98% to 99% of the world’s journalists, scientists, etc., are reporting what is actually true. After all, the reason why the political party you favor has lost the American popular vote in 6 of the 7 presidential elections held during the past 28 years can’t be because there is anything wrong with your candidates and policies. Instead, think that the reason why must be some massive conspiracy against you and your interests.

I know because I’m the guy in charge of it for the western sector of the northeastern section of the free world.

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